And I’m Out.

I was released from Inpatient Monday December 1st 2015, and started my outpatient program called PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program) Tuesday December 2nd 2015.

This week has been a whirlwind for me because I have been so incredibly moody, mainly because I have been rapid cycling.

Rapid cycling is my one true enemy in Bipolar.

Every time I seem to have my life together, Rapid Cycling comes and rears it’s ugly head and say’s “Surprise!”

What is Rapid Cycling?

In as simple terms as I can make it, Rapid Cycling is where you bounce between depression and hypo-mania in short periods of time. For me, I can bounce with in the same day, sometimes with in the same hour… it is exhausting and very overwhelming.

I’m very frustrated with my life right now because it seems as though every time I have it settled down, Rapid Cycling comes and messes it up… It comes and just pisses all over the hard work I have created. It destroys me.

I’m suicidal one minute, yet on top of the world the next. It is very confusing.

So, that is what I have been dealing with all week while at my PHP program. So far this week I have learned a lot, but I have been triggered many times, (Thanks PTSD).

One interesting topic we did discuss was this…

What is the difference between a house and a home?

This was one of the triggering conversations we had, and I had to walk out because I had a flashback but I pulled through.

I never had a home, and I’m still waiting for the day I can actually call a place home. I’ve had a ton of places I have lived at: houses, apartments, but never a home. For me a house was a place filled of people that may have been related but argued all the time, hurt each other, and really just never connected… but I want a home. A place where we can support each other through disagreements, where we don’t deliberately hurt each other, where it is rooted in love. My houses were rooted in abuse and pain… When I find my home it will be rooted in love and peace … one day I will find that … one day.

PHP is also a very good place for medication management, which looks like where I’m going to go. I’m going to start a new stronger med on Monday. I was supposed to start on Thursday but when I went to the Pharmacy they said that the insurance company needed “higher authorization” from the doctor so I needed to wait 1-3 days … GREAT. Exactly what you want to hear when you are waiting for a new med. But till then we increased my current meds to see if that would help with the rapid cycling … so far, nothing; but it’s only been a day.

So this is where I’m at right now… I still have a lot I need to talk about … but I will do it day by day… take it hour by hour if I need too… minute by minute even… As long as I’m moving forward, I’m moving.