And I’m Out.

I was released from Inpatient Monday December 1st 2015, and started my outpatient program called PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program) Tuesday December 2nd 2015.

This week has been a whirlwind for me because I have been so incredibly moody, mainly because I have been rapid cycling.

Rapid cycling is my one true enemy in Bipolar.

Every time I seem to have my life together, Rapid Cycling comes and rears it’s ugly head and say’s “Surprise!”

What is Rapid Cycling?

In as simple terms as I can make it, Rapid Cycling is where you bounce between depression and hypo-mania in short periods of time. For me, I can bounce with in the same day, sometimes with in the same hour… it is exhausting and very overwhelming.

I’m very frustrated with my life right now because it seems as though every time I have it settled down, Rapid Cycling comes and messes it up… It comes and just pisses all over the hard work I have created. It destroys me.

I’m suicidal one minute, yet on top of the world the next. It is very confusing.

So, that is what I have been dealing with all week while at my PHP program. So far this week I have learned a lot, but I have been triggered many times, (Thanks PTSD).

One interesting topic we did discuss was this…

What is the difference between a house and a home?

This was one of the triggering conversations we had, and I had to walk out because I had a flashback but I pulled through.

I never had a home, and I’m still waiting for the day I can actually call a place home. I’ve had a ton of places I have lived at: houses, apartments, but never a home. For me a house was a place filled of people that may have been related but argued all the time, hurt each other, and really just never connected… but I want a home. A place where we can support each other through disagreements, where we don’t deliberately hurt each other, where it is rooted in love. My houses were rooted in abuse and pain… When I find my home it will be rooted in love and peace … one day I will find that … one day.

PHP is also a very good place for medication management, which looks like where I’m going to go. I’m going to start a new stronger med on Monday. I was supposed to start on Thursday but when I went to the Pharmacy they said that the insurance company needed “higher authorization” from the doctor so I needed to wait 1-3 days … GREAT. Exactly what you want to hear when you are waiting for a new med. But till then we increased my current meds to see if that would help with the rapid cycling … so far, nothing; but it’s only been a day.

So this is where I’m at right now… I still have a lot I need to talk about … but I will do it day by day… take it hour by hour if I need too… minute by minute even… As long as I’m moving forward, I’m moving.

14 thoughts on “And I’m Out.”

  1. Glad to hear it. CBT helped me a lot (saved my life actually) but it’s a lot of work. Recovery is a lot of work in general, but it really is worth it. Sometimes I forgot that, sometimes I questioned why I was fighting so hard to get better. Sometimes I thought I was never going to get better. I kept pushing though, it was like a part of me knew that all the struggle, all the pain would be worth it and it was.

    Sure there are bad days and relapses and I tripped a few times (and still do) but I learnt that it’s okay to fall as long as I keep trying to get back up. Thanks for sharing here, blogs like yours are immensely helpful to other people going through similar things. It helps to know you’re not alone in the struggle.

    Liked by 5 people

  2. Hello Jules, I would love to have you on my blog for Mental Health Friday, I’ve been following your journey for a while now. I’m looking for an honest post on what it’s like, living with Mental illness. Thanks and looking forward to hearing from you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hey Jules! (((hugs))) Sorry to hear about the rapid cycling…When you wrote about how one minute you’re on top of the world and the next minute everything is unraveling…yeah I feel ya…there are times I don’t even want to start anything because I psych myself out and figure “it’s not gonna last why bother?” I’m happy that you recognize it though and are being proactive 🙂 Also, the home thing…I have spent most of my life moving around…I have lived in my current home ( which I think I can call home now lol) for 5 years…that is the longest I have ever lived under one roof . I’ve beat my personal best! 🙂 lol but you know in all seriousness, I have learned that home is what you make it…home I think is more a state of mind than four walls and a roof. Sending lots of good vibes your way and keep us posted! 🙂 ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I am so happy to hear that you are home. I am so happy that you received what you needed and that you made self care of the utmost importance. Kudos to you as your health and wellness matter.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. The day is coming when you will be able to establish a home and it will be built with love. Unfortunately the majority of us hail from dysfunctional families but we have the opportunity to go forward and build as we see fit. My story is definitely a story of dysfunction that created an enormous amount of emotional trauma. Each day I work through it but honestly some days are better than others. I can’t wait to read your daily memoirs years from now. You are going to do great things!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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